In the process of mending an organ called heart

20/3/2012

Waking up with an arch upon my lips,
Though the pain you left still lingers in me,
Telling myself that memories can be reap,
Well my path in life is still far to be explored abstemiously.

Reasons to be broken sometimes align with the reasons He gave to lift ourselves back up. Just believe.

What do I do when all I feel is numb. Dont shut me out this weekend. Please

She'll never tell him, but he is her little scar.

Guys can be so sweet but so cruel too!

if only I knew what we are now. I sure know it is not goodbye. but what if?

damn

you were back. but now you're gone again

fynn jamal - suatu pernah

habis sudah madah;
tak ada satu pun yang tertinggal,
setiapnya telah—
kau ambil dan terus kau jual.

seolah tak pernah memakna apa,
seolah tak pernah kau inginkannya,
seolah—
tak pernah...

dikutipku bila sudi,
di bila tidak, dibiar mati,
dan lebih menyakitkan—
ku tetap tunggu di tepi jalan.

seperti tak pernah ku ada harga,
seperti tak pernah kita bersama,
seperti tak pernah kau mahu aku,
--tak pernah rindu
--tak pernah rayu
--dulu.

terleburhancur kebal rusukku;
berkecaisepai, terpecahbelah,
terima kasih atas ajarmu—
--cinta tak wujud
--ah, tak pernah.

dan dengarkan jeritku;
jujur tak terfitnah,
kau hanya bagiku—
suatu yang pernah.

takkan ada apa—
yang mampu untuk buat kau pulang,
bila sudah tiada rasa—
bikinlah apa, tetap kau terbang.

takkanku pujuk kau jangan pergi,
takkan ku minta kau fikir lagi,
takkan ku paksa renung semula,
takkan ku suruh apa2.

takkan ku izin tubuh dibuka,
takkan ku pamer reput di dada,
takkan ku rebah,
takkan ku goyah,
takkan ku biar tubuh didarah.

hairrrrrrr -.-

I want my long hair back. . . . . . . . . .

Random

All we have left is broken promises and broken hearts. If I had known this was the end, I'm not sure I would have wanted to start.

Your words are nothing but lies. Each one of you.

please let me be strong ya Allah. Only You know how I feel right now. It has been 3 months but it still hurts every time I think of him.

He doesn't have a single idea how much I'm missing him right now. Its okay, slowly Fatin, slowly. .

Studies are much tougher lately, need to increase my momentum in everything. and I miss KL badly!


:(
p/s: i just wanna go home

blue paradise

i performed and yeah it was something to be remembered :)

just cause

If life separates us, and we end up totally in different parts of the world, I'd remember this path when we are aligned together, and be thankful for it. And I hope, wherever you are at that time, you would be thankful too. I have loved you with all my heart. Its just that God has better plans for us maybe, who knows, one day. Miracle could happen if you have loved sincerely and dearly.

Yes I do think of you. A lot. But its okay. My love is there, but I'm getting better coping up with myself. What you said before maybe it is true. Don't worry. You are always in my prayers. Even if you don't do the same. I remembered what Hana and I talked about the other day at Maya, 'they don't know how it feels like. Its okay, when they do, they will understand why we are still holding on'. :)

Read

Just bought these books:

1) Without Mercy by Lisa Jackson
2)Edge by Jeffery Deaver
3)The Manuscript by Michael Stephen Fuchs
4)The Almond Blossom by Chris Stewart
5)Spiral by Joseph Geary
6)Suspects by David Thomson
7)Dirty Sally by Michael Simon
8)Looking Good Dead by Peter James
9)The Smile Of The Lamb by David Grossman
10)Murphy's Law by Bateman
11)Dead Men's Dust by Matt Hilton
12)Coma by Alex Garland
13)The Postcard Killers by James Patterson & Liza Marklund

cant stop smiling now with all these books in hand :)

sonrisa

I sang my heart out just now. Sir gave me the honour to perform as a solo lead vocal for an upcoming performance here in college. Battle of The Band 2012. Hoping for the best :) oh yeah, I'll be singing Killing Me Softly which is one of my favourite song so I'm overjoyed by it.

Alhamdulillah, I feel better today.

When one door closes, another 10 opens. Only He knows how grateful I am for His blessings.

Trying

I can never truly understand how in the world can I be in so much pain because of you. A wakeup call from my dad made me realize something really big from another perspective. I am trying my very best to make it all work for me.

If it is meant to be, it is meant to be.

InsyaAllah I'll find that happiness one day. It does hurt now, only He knows how much it hurts.

Ya Allah, please guide me. Give me the strength to endure all this pain. Flabbergasted how people seem to write prayers instead of holding both hands up praying to him, no? Well, lets just say its another way of expressing and writing leads to many unspoken words and feelings for oneself. He is The Greatest and He knows everything that we don't. He listens, even how long we may have forgotten His presence.

I am still learning. Allahuakhbar.

I haven't stop hoping. My feeling screams your name. Stay will you please handsome? :(

Why must everything be my fault. I didn't ask to be sick. Im trying my best here, alone. Can someone please understand that I am not strong anymore. Just please.

Reflection

In this moment of darkness
Through another eyes I seek for happiness
Waiting for an uncertainty
Its forgiveness and strength I need, not empathy

fatin rosman: when the whole world seems to not understand, just believe in Him, InsyaAllah He's there to help, He's there listening to every bits of your sadness and witness to every tears you shed

11/1

1 year 10 months. Please make me strong ya allah. Guide me.

so, yeah

so i've pasted my heart in your palm
though you've said you can't hold it long
but i've got none to help me calm
like you'd right every bits of wrong.

so i've lived a million death threats
though you could never care ever less
but i've drank all of my bloody sweats
like you would ever try to kindly caress.

so it was so yesterday for you, love
though it is still burning yet today
but it was so obvious, heavenly dove
cause you hardly wish me in your pray.

those stings and deadly gifts are rare
but hey,
like you ever care.

Cinta Disampahkan

jantung, diam.
akal, diam.
urat, diam.

mencari nafas di dalam hati
mencari nyawa di dalam diri
mendiri cinta pada yang tak sudi
mencari harga diri

aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
aku pecinta yang ingin disayang
aku ini bukan milik orang

mencari diri di dalam kamu
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan

mencari aku
mencari engkau
mencari indah
mencari dia yang kau cinta

mengapa cinta ini kau tolak ke tepi?
mau tolakkan kepala ini
mencari rasa
mencari dia
mencari harga diri yang kau lelongkan ke tepi ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api

aku ini perempuan yang telah pun kau lelong-lelongkan pada langit itu
aku perempuan itu: perempuan yang bodoh itu
mengapa aku di biar di sini?
mengapa aku dibiar kau pergi?
mengapa aku di sini, kamu di situ berbahagia selalu?

mencari diri, mencari diri
mencari aku, mencari kamu
mencari dia, mencari semua
mencari segala, mencari semua

mengapa cinta?
mengapa sayang?
mengapa rasa ini kau buangkan sekarang?

jiwa, diam.
mata, pejam.
hidung, diam.
mulut, diam.

segala diam
dunia memejam memandang aku:

“hey, bodoh kamu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu lagi
cinta kamu dimamah api”

mengapa aku disini: aku menunggu kamu, si orang itu?
mengapa aku di sini mengharapkan cinta yang sudah pergi?
yang sudah pergi!

mengapa aku mengharap lagi?
mengapa aku masih di sini?
mengharapkan sementara cinta
mengharapkan pada yang tiada

tiada
tiada
tiada

When you still can't find a reason to leave your memories behind. When you are too strong to let go, too weak to leave them. -FJ

I am sick. I didnt lie to you. Its just that, I wanted you to show me that you still care about me, then I'll be around. The truth is, I am always around. I just need you to show me that I am needed, then only will I reveal myself. You have no idea how everything hurts. I miss you.

college to hospital

I have not been well lately. What an added bonus to everything now. Anyways, I know He loves me, thus, these challenges I'm facing. From Him I seek for forgiveness. Yesterday morning was just havoc. Woke up feeling crucial pain in my right ear and somehow I cant hear a thing, Freaked me out like shit. I cant rely on my roommates that much as they have their classes to fuss about. I called the cab and asked the cab driver to pick me up and send me to the hospital. It was 6 in the morning for goodness sake. Well when I arrived at the e.r. Yes, the emergency room, the nurses there pulled out lame jokes. Not a good moment to make jokes here, people are in pain. Please. Well yeah, being alone in that hospital wasnt a good feeling either. Shall stop for now, I have class in half an hour. This post is just another blab from me.

we were so close. you knew i was there. i didnt. why didnt you come. i waited. night and day. i waited. i wished to see you on my holiday but my wish was not granted. it hurts a lot vb. a lot.

Wherever I go everything I do, its you that I think of. Nothing hurts more than that for now. I miss you. Cant you tell? What did I ever do wrong.