11/1

1 year 10 months. Please make me strong ya allah. Guide me.

so, yeah

so i've pasted my heart in your palm
though you've said you can't hold it long
but i've got none to help me calm
like you'd right every bits of wrong.

so i've lived a million death threats
though you could never care ever less
but i've drank all of my bloody sweats
like you would ever try to kindly caress.

so it was so yesterday for you, love
though it is still burning yet today
but it was so obvious, heavenly dove
cause you hardly wish me in your pray.

those stings and deadly gifts are rare
but hey,
like you ever care.

Cinta Disampahkan

jantung, diam.
akal, diam.
urat, diam.

mencari nafas di dalam hati
mencari nyawa di dalam diri
mendiri cinta pada yang tak sudi
mencari harga diri

aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
aku pecinta yang ingin disayang
aku ini bukan milik orang

mencari diri di dalam kamu
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan

mencari aku
mencari engkau
mencari indah
mencari dia yang kau cinta

mengapa cinta ini kau tolak ke tepi?
mau tolakkan kepala ini
mencari rasa
mencari dia
mencari harga diri yang kau lelongkan ke tepi ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api

aku ini perempuan yang telah pun kau lelong-lelongkan pada langit itu
aku perempuan itu: perempuan yang bodoh itu
mengapa aku di biar di sini?
mengapa aku dibiar kau pergi?
mengapa aku di sini, kamu di situ berbahagia selalu?

mencari diri, mencari diri
mencari aku, mencari kamu
mencari dia, mencari semua
mencari segala, mencari semua

mengapa cinta?
mengapa sayang?
mengapa rasa ini kau buangkan sekarang?

jiwa, diam.
mata, pejam.
hidung, diam.
mulut, diam.

segala diam
dunia memejam memandang aku:

“hey, bodoh kamu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu lagi
cinta kamu dimamah api”

mengapa aku disini: aku menunggu kamu, si orang itu?
mengapa aku di sini mengharapkan cinta yang sudah pergi?
yang sudah pergi!

mengapa aku mengharap lagi?
mengapa aku masih di sini?
mengharapkan sementara cinta
mengharapkan pada yang tiada

tiada
tiada
tiada

When you still can't find a reason to leave your memories behind. When you are too strong to let go, too weak to leave them. -FJ

I am sick. I didnt lie to you. Its just that, I wanted you to show me that you still care about me, then I'll be around. The truth is, I am always around. I just need you to show me that I am needed, then only will I reveal myself. You have no idea how everything hurts. I miss you.

college to hospital

I have not been well lately. What an added bonus to everything now. Anyways, I know He loves me, thus, these challenges I'm facing. From Him I seek for forgiveness. Yesterday morning was just havoc. Woke up feeling crucial pain in my right ear and somehow I cant hear a thing, Freaked me out like shit. I cant rely on my roommates that much as they have their classes to fuss about. I called the cab and asked the cab driver to pick me up and send me to the hospital. It was 6 in the morning for goodness sake. Well when I arrived at the e.r. Yes, the emergency room, the nurses there pulled out lame jokes. Not a good moment to make jokes here, people are in pain. Please. Well yeah, being alone in that hospital wasnt a good feeling either. Shall stop for now, I have class in half an hour. This post is just another blab from me.

we were so close. you knew i was there. i didnt. why didnt you come. i waited. night and day. i waited. i wished to see you on my holiday but my wish was not granted. it hurts a lot vb. a lot.

Wherever I go everything I do, its you that I think of. Nothing hurts more than that for now. I miss you. Cant you tell? What did I ever do wrong.

you made me feel better for now. it still hurts. but for now, im okay. thank you

"We're miles and miles apart, but I'll save a big hug for you when you come home." "When can I claim it?" "Anytime, anywhere. I'm yours."

-kilroy

Do you know that I brought your jersey with back with me. You told me to take good care of it, I am. Its safe with me. The only shirt that I brought with me back. This feeling hurts.

I wish for you to be with me on that day.

tu me manques beaucoup, je t'aime

random

cukup aku minta
satu hari nanti kamu sedar
cukup cuma aku
yang tulus terima compang camping kamu

21/12

Do I want to make a bunch of people worry the hell about me just because one person doesn't?

Lying down on this empty space
Every single thought makes my heart race
The wind suddenly stays on a halt
Everything seems to freeze showing me faults
What did I do to be in this parade
Giving me heartaches and showering me with hates
God please help me in this change of heart
As I seek forgiveness from you for everything from the start

astaghfirullahhala'zim, to the-Almighty I seek for forgiveness.

'tu me manques beaucoup'

Had a talk with hanan and i think what she said is true. I want to stop being miserable, and do my things for me. Not for anyone else. Oh and learn to get myself back on track. I will wait for you, I know I will. Just that for now, I'll just go with the flow. Im here whatever it is.

all i want for Christmas is you vb. just you. somehow i just wish that youre reading all this somehow but i know youre not. im not opening my heart to anyone else, its still yours no matter what. je t'aime

UNTITLED

again, when you miss someone too much. depressed. full stop

23rd

I've booked my flight ticket on the 23rd. If I can its you that I wanna meet as soon as Im back in kl. Well thats just me, I dont even know whether you want to meet me or not. I wish you well. Goodnight handsome. Kisses on your forehead.