flabbergasted!

Read

2012-01-21T02:45:00.000-08:00

Just bought these books:

1) Without Mercy by Lisa Jackson
2)Edge by Jeffery Deaver
3)The Manuscript by Michael Stephen Fuchs
4)The Almond Blossom by Chris Stewart
5)Spiral by Joseph Geary
6)Suspects by David Thomson
7)Dirty Sally by Michael Simon
8)Looking Good Dead by Peter James
9)The Smile Of The Lamb by David Grossman
10)Murphy's Law by Bateman
11)Dead Men's Dust by Matt Hilton
12)Coma by Alex Garland
13)The Postcard Killers by James Patterson & Liza Marklund

cant stop smiling now with all these books in hand :)

sonrisa

2012-01-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

I sang my heart out just now. Sir gave me the honour to perform as a solo lead vocal for an upcoming performance here in college. Battle of The Band 2012. Hoping for the best :) oh yeah, I'll be singing Killing Me Softly which is one of my favourite song so I'm overjoyed by it.

Alhamdulillah, I feel better today.

When one door closes, another 10 opens. Only He knows how grateful I am for His blessings.

Trying

2012-01-16T03:02:00.000-08:00

I can never truly understand how in the world can I be in so much pain because of you. A wakeup call from my dad made me realize something really big from another perspective. I am trying my very best to make it all work for me.

If it is meant to be, it is meant to be.

InsyaAllah I'll find that happiness one day. It does hurt now, only He knows how much it hurts.

Ya Allah, please guide me. Give me the strength to endure all this pain. Flabbergasted how people seem to write prayers instead of holding both hands up praying to him, no? Well, lets just say its another way of expressing and writing leads to many unspoken words and feelings for oneself. He is The Greatest and He knows everything that we don't. He listens, even how long we may have forgotten His presence.

I am still learning. Allahuakhbar.

2012-01-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't stop hoping. My feeling screams your name. Stay will you please handsome? :(

2012-01-12T06:12:00.001-08:00

Why must everything be my fault. I didn't ask to be sick. Im trying my best here, alone. Can someone please understand that I am not strong anymore. Just please.

Reflection

2012-01-12T02:17:00.000-08:00

In this moment of darkness
Through another eyes I seek for happiness
Waiting for an uncertainty
Its forgiveness and strength I need, not empathy

fatin rosman: when the whole world seems to not understand, just believe in Him, InsyaAllah He's there to help, He's there listening to every bits of your sadness and witness to every tears you shed

11/1

2012-01-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

1 year 10 months. Please make me strong ya allah. Guide me.

so, yeah

2012-01-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

so i've pasted my heart in your palm
though you've said you can't hold it long
but i've got none to help me calm
like you'd right every bits of wrong.

so i've lived a million death threats
though you could never care ever less
but i've drank all of my bloody sweats
like you would ever try to kindly caress.

so it was so yesterday for you, love
though it is still burning yet today
but it was so obvious, heavenly dove
cause you hardly wish me in your pray.

those stings and deadly gifts are rare
but hey,
like you ever care.

Cinta Disampahkan

2012-01-09T03:25:00.000-08:00

jantung, diam.
akal, diam.
urat, diam.

mencari nafas di dalam hati
mencari nyawa di dalam diri
mendiri cinta pada yang tak sudi
mencari harga diri

aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
aku pecinta yang ingin disayang
aku ini bukan milik orang

mencari diri di dalam kamu
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan

mencari aku
mencari engkau
mencari indah
mencari dia yang kau cinta

mengapa cinta ini kau tolak ke tepi?
mau tolakkan kepala ini
mencari rasa
mencari dia
mencari harga diri yang kau lelongkan ke tepi ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api
ke dalam api

aku ini perempuan yang telah pun kau lelong-lelongkan pada langit itu
aku perempuan itu: perempuan yang bodoh itu
mengapa aku di biar di sini?
mengapa aku dibiar kau pergi?
mengapa aku di sini, kamu di situ berbahagia selalu?

mencari diri, mencari diri
mencari aku, mencari kamu
mencari dia, mencari semua
mencari segala, mencari semua

mengapa cinta?
mengapa sayang?
mengapa rasa ini kau buangkan sekarang?

jiwa, diam.
mata, pejam.
hidung, diam.
mulut, diam.

segala diam
dunia memejam memandang aku:

“hey, bodoh kamu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu!
pergilah engkau!
dia bukan milikmu lagi
cinta kamu dimamah api”

mengapa aku disini: aku menunggu kamu, si orang itu?
mengapa aku di sini mengharapkan cinta yang sudah pergi?
yang sudah pergi!

mengapa aku mengharap lagi?
mengapa aku masih di sini?
mengharapkan sementara cinta
mengharapkan pada yang tiada

tiada
tiada
tiada

When you still can't find a reason to leave your memories behind. When you are too strong to let go, too weak to leave them. -FJ

2012-01-07T02:36:00.000-08:00

I am sick. I didnt lie to you. Its just that, I wanted you to show me that you still care about me, then I'll be around. The truth is, I am always around. I just need you to show me that I am needed, then only will I reveal myself. You have no idea how everything hurts. I miss you.

college to hospital

2012-01-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

I have not been well lately. What an added bonus to everything now. Anyways, I know He loves me, thus, these challenges I'm facing. From Him I seek for forgiveness. Yesterday morning was just havoc. Woke up feeling crucial pain in my right ear and somehow I cant hear a thing, Freaked me out like shit. I cant rely on my roommates that much as they have their classes to fuss about. I called the cab and asked the cab driver to pick me up and send me to the hospital. It was 6 in the morning for goodness sake. Well when I arrived at the e.r. Yes, the emergency room, the nurses there pulled out lame jokes. Not a good moment to make jokes here, people are in pain. Please. Well yeah, being alone in that hospital wasnt a good feeling either. Shall stop for now, I have class in half an hour. This post is just another blab from me.

2012-01-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

we were so close. you knew i was there. i didnt. why didnt you come. i waited. night and day. i waited. i wished to see you on my holiday but my wish was not granted. it hurts a lot vb. a lot.

2012-01-01T05:40:00.000-08:00

Wherever I go everything I do, its you that I think of. Nothing hurts more than that for now. I miss you. Cant you tell? What did I ever do wrong.

2011-12-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

you made me feel better for now. it still hurts. but for now, im okay. thank you

2011-12-23T10:37:00.001-08:00

"We're miles and miles apart, but I'll save a big hug for you when you come home." "When can I claim it?" "Anytime, anywhere. I'm yours."

-kilroy

2011-12-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

Do you know that I brought your jersey with back with me. You told me to take good care of it, I am. Its safe with me. The only shirt that I brought with me back. This feeling hurts.

2011-12-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

I wish for you to be with me on that day.

2011-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

tu me manques beaucoup, je t'aime

random

2011-12-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

cukup aku minta
satu hari nanti kamu sedar
cukup cuma aku
yang tulus terima compang camping kamu

21/12

2011-12-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

Do I want to make a bunch of people worry the hell about me just because one person doesn't?

Lying down on this empty space
Every single thought makes my heart race
The wind suddenly stays on a halt
Everything seems to freeze showing me faults
What did I do to be in this parade
Giving me heartaches and showering me with hates
God please help me in this change of heart
As I seek forgiveness from you for everything from the start

astaghfirullahhala'zim, to the-Almighty I seek for forgiveness.

'tu me manques beaucoup'

2011-12-21T02:46:00.000-08:00

Had a talk with hanan and i think what she said is true. I want to stop being miserable, and do my things for me. Not for anyone else. Oh and learn to get myself back on track. I will wait for you, I know I will. Just that for now, I'll just go with the flow. Im here whatever it is.

2011-12-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

all i want for Christmas is you vb. just you. somehow i just wish that youre reading all this somehow but i know youre not. im not opening my heart to anyone else, its still yours no matter what. je t'aime

UNTITLED

2011-12-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

again, when you miss someone too much. depressed. full stop

23rd

2011-12-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've booked my flight ticket on the 23rd. If I can its you that I wanna meet as soon as Im back in kl. Well thats just me, I dont even know whether you want to meet me or not. I wish you well. Goodnight handsome. Kisses on your forehead.

MORNING

2011-12-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

Good morning handsome. Thank you for your text. Even just a tad short, it meant the world to me knowing that you have arrived safely. Please take care. Je t'aime

2011-12-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

Ya Allah, I'm not strong. Please take good care of him. I just wish I can ask him how is he today. Do you know that I'm breaking here? Je t'aime

YOU

2011-12-18T06:03:00.001-08:00

My fever keeps coming back. Do you know that I'm lacking in m y studies, that I cant focus at all anymore. Where are you at times like this? I really miss you. For the thousandth times I'm saying that I miss you. What more can I say. I miss those kisses on my forehead, I miss my 'morning sweetheart', I miss hearing your voice everyday, I miss you. Just you. Everything about you. This feels like shit.

PRAY

2011-12-18T04:38:00.001-08:00

I can only pray that you'll know what you need in life again. and in between that prayer, I will take just a little space, hoping that it is me that you will need once again amongst others. I am here hurting. Just please. Come back. I'm hurt. I wish you well handsome.

SIGH

2011-12-18T04:07:00.000-08:00

I miss him. Cant he tell. I miss him. Hurt.

RANDOM

2011-12-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

Talking to the moon. What if the moon is the only thing we have in common now? Are you crying or are you having fun without me? Those words linger in my head like melody on staccato. Short but seems like never ending. What if the moon is the only thing we share now? Are you laying on the grass reminiscing us or are you fast asleep thinking about nothing? Silence is the loudest cry for a lady, you can surely know she's deeply hurt when she starts ignoring you. Flabbergasted? Well. I think that woman is me. Just the way you are? Do you still love me the way that word flowed from your mouth once? I can wait even waiting seems like the hardest thing to do. Do you know how I wish you were here? I woke up feeling dead, like a grenade exploded out of nowhere. How I wish I can be next to you, the tingles that I felt every time you're around make me feel right at this moment, it is all just a dream. I can only thank The Almighty when that memory came on a halt, straight to my face saying "You found me", from the lips of an angel. I will always wait for you. I promised.

DAMN

2011-12-17T05:45:00.000-08:00

I may be good in getting myself busy but I'm bad in getting myself busy without thinking of you. Damn.

A DROP IN THE OCEAN

2011-12-16T07:55:00.001-08:00

A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.
You are my heaven.

WHY?

2011-12-16T00:17:00.001-08:00

You came in a sudden halt. What am i supposed to feel or even think. Do you think everything is easy? I want to understand you, I really do, but now the question is will you do the same? Will you walk away again and leave me in the middle of nowhere? Silence. I loved too much and now pain is the consequence. Im being miserable at my best. Je t'aime

11/12

2011-12-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I am wishing myself a happy anniversary, because, somehow i just wish you remembered how important yesterday was for me. I wish you well.

MIRACLE

2011-12-09T05:43:00.000-08:00

How are you today
I hope you're okay
How I miss hearing your voice
But this is not my choice
I am hurting cant you tell
Well just remember I still love you-
and I wish you well

p/s: checking on my phone hoping for miracle. it stood dead. i miss you

random

2011-12-06T23:00:00.001-08:00

Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

2011-12-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

empty
is that what you wish to see
waiting
is that what you want from this human being
confused
is that what i should feel or if i'm just being used

i am waiting, i promised.

PAIN

2011-12-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

"I dont know how i feel. I need some time alone to figure out what i want. I just need to be on my own."

" I curled up in a big armchair, squeezed into the very corner, hugging my knees very tight and stared at the wall with big drippy tears squeezing themselves out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks until everything around me felt like a puddle of salt water"....

...." I wanted him to suffer by seeing how much he'd made me suffer. I wanted him to hurt as much as i was hurting"....

...." I didnt cry after i woke up, I think I just felt dead. A bit like life wasnt really worth carrying on with"

-straight talking, jane green

its a novel but its close to my heart. i wont stop loving him. its him that im confused about.

NOW

2011-12-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

What more do you want to hear from me?
Is there anything you wish to see?
A joke? A laugh? A smile? A cry?
A scream? A song? A lullaby?

See I know we are not who we were
I live in denial, remember?
So please don't ask me to open my eyes
Don't wanna wake up and realize

The honeymoon's over
That i should better be
mature

I'm sorry I do not know what to say
Do understand I'm breaking, but hey
When you tell me that you are leaving
Don't think I did not see it coming

See, of course I saw we no longer
Having stuff we enjoy together
But can we play along our part
And not parade this change of heart?

Are you really sure
That we're off better
And over?

What more can I say when you wish to leave today
I wont break down and burst
but--
Would you like to have one last breakfast?

-fynn jamal

p/s: my treasure chest is suddenly empty. what am I left with?

IT STAYS

2010-10-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

The wind hums the melody of surreal
In the amidst of reality and denial I stand
For it was hard to explain what is there inside
The wind continues with its wonders of sound
Pieces of old images forming its own pattern
Creating path of differences from one another like a maze with no end
For it was you who suddenly caught up in the tangle of my mind
I intend not to let it flown away by the humming of the wind
Though how hard it gets, how strong it blows, how cold it is
It stays

Ps: VB

TODAY

2010-10-11T03:06:00.000-07:00

When its your name that is written in her heart,
it won't fade. Ever. 110310

SOME MEMORIES LIVE FOREVER

2010-10-11T02:58:00.000-07:00

We were in the hallway. I saw the glimpse of him from far. My heart started to beat so fast. I can feel the rush of adrenaline flowing through my body. Flabbergasted!

I started to walk slowly towards him as my class was on the other side of the hallway. As I passed him, our gaze met each others'. Frisson. I continued walking. I felt nausea. It's like there were butterflies in my stomach.

The day went on as usual then. Normal. Nothing exciting happened. But, not until lunch time. I went straight to my locker as soon as the bell for lunch rang. There was something yellow that caught my eye when I reached my locker. It was small 'Post-it!'

" I like your eyes, I like your hair and I like you!"

Sincerely,
- DM -
(Damien Moore)

Oh my goodness! I swore to God I nearly passed out when I read those words. Suddenly, I felt a presence. I turned around there he was standing behind me with the most beautiful smile I ever seen.

" Anna, I've liked you for so long. I've been watching you and I think you feel the same way about me. Right? Please, be mine? " The words felt like a dream to me.

" What took you so long DM? I've liked you since forever! Of course I will say yes. I'm yours! " I managed to say that though only God knows how I felt at that time. I felt like crying of joy.

Like people say, the rest are history. Since that day, we would spend every single time together. He taught and showed me the meaning of love. He was always there for me and I will always be there for him. People would envy us when they see how awesome our relationships are going.

The day passed by and time flies. The Winter Prom was around the corner. Damien promised me that we will go together.

" I will take you to the prom and I'll make sure you are the most beautiful girl there. And for me, I'll be your Prince Charming ", he said to me one day when we were walking back from school. I felt like I'm living in a dream. How could I have gotten someone so perfect? I surely felt grateful to God for giving him to me as a boyfriend.

But I noticed something different about him that day. Even few days before that. He seemed so quiet and his look, it was just wrong. He was quite pale. I asked him a few times whether he was sick or did he do anything until he was so tired. But often he would just smile and say,

" How can I be sick and tired when I have the most beautiful girl on earth with me."

I don't know but I think God gave me an angel on earth to protect me and guide me. He was so nice.

The next day, I woke up quite late than usual so I rushed to school. I didn't have the time to call him first in the morning like we always did. I thought it was okay since I am sure I will see him in school.

When I reached school, he was not there. I was quite worried at that time. As soon as the bell rang for lunch time, I hurried out and I called him. To my surprise, his mum picked up the phone call. I knew there was something wrong. I just knew. I asked her where's Damien and she said that Damien has fever and he was sleeping. I told her mum that I'll come over when school finish but Aunt Lorna said its better for him to rest. She said that she'll ask him to call when he wakes up.

The Winter Prom is tomorrow. I am excited. I waited for him to call me back. Later that night, he called me.

" Anna, I'm sorry. I was asleep when you called me, honey. I'm sorry that I was not with you the whole day ", he said.

" It's okay, DM. It's not your fault, honey. You're sick. I can't wait to go to the prom with you tomorrow. Are you feeling better, love? " I asked him. I was worried about him.

" I'm okay, Don't worry, I promised you that I will take you to the prom and I will stick to my promise. See you tomorrow ", he said. I never thought that it will be our last phone call.

The next day, the day of the Winter Prom. I was so busy the whole day preparing for the prom night. I wore a green silk long with a halter top. It fitted me perfectly. Around 8 p.m, he came to pick me up at my house. My mum took our picture. He was amazing. He wore a tuxedo with a green shirt that matched my dress.

We went to the prom, it was one of the best night. We were having so much fun. But I noticed that he was very pale, I thought because he had fever a day ago. He looked so tired so I asked him to sit down with me for a while. We went and sat.

A few minutes after that, he asked.

" You are the most wonderful thing that happen in my life, Anna. If I'm not here with you anymore, promise me that you will move on ", he said. I was flabbergasted but I said I promise because I love him.

" Will you dance with me? "

And we went to the dance floor. It was a slow song and I was enjoying the moment. He hugged me. Suddenly he fell. I was so shocked. There were blood flowing out from his mouth and nose. But he kept on smiling. And those last word that I still hear until today, " I love you, Anna ". Then, silence. I cried so much for few months.

His mum told me that Damien had a genetic disease which can cause death since he was a child. He gave up on life till he met me. He was afraid to tell me. He loved me so much. Liked i promised him, I moved on for the sake of him.

That was 10 years ago. Now, I have a husband and a child I call, Damien. Well, I guess, some people stay in your memories forever. He was my first and my true love no matter what. He will always be in my heart and my soul. I love you too, Damien. Rest in peace!

by: Fatin Nur Fatehah

NOW

2009-09-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I heard a voice,
I searched and searched,
I felt the presence,
Who are you?

I saw a glimpse,
I looked around,
There's only a shadow of a broken sign,
Who are you?

Melody,
Going through my head like a person jailed,
Locked up,
Who are you?

I threw a piece of the broken glass at your image,
It hurts,
Why?
Who are you?

I put the mixed pieces together,
It formed a picture,
Well i don't know who,
For that moment..

But I surely do now,
Its you,
The missing piece of me that I've been looking for.

Yes! you, love

it hurts because you're apart of me, i feel what you feel, i listen to a song that only you and i understand and i love you for that honey

RANDOM

2009-09-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

Kalau hati punya mulut,

Pasti diteriak ke kamu,

'Aku parah, kamu luka aku tak pinta'

Kalau mata boleh berkata-kata,

Pasti diteriak ke kamu,

'Cukup, jangan biar aku lihat kamu'

Kalau telinga boleh meluah,

Pasti diteriak ke kamu,

'Mati, jangan aku dengar lagi dari kamu'

Persetankan semua kalau perlu,

Biar kamu menanah tak terjaga,

Rasa apa itu perit,

Tapi itu kalau..

everything i didnt say to you, everything that i didnt tell you

Random

2009-01-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

I miss your annoying laughter,
I miss your annoying behavior,
I miss the way you took care of me when I'm sick,
I miss the time when you will take my cardigan and wore it as if its yours,
I miss your early messages,
The messages that will surely wake me up each time,
I miss your child like behavior when you are around me,
I miss the moments when you will text me and say
"tune on hitz. fm now, its our song. i miss you"
I miss to sketch our moments,
To picture our crazy-ness,
Melodise our conversations,
Now there is no you and me anymore,
My sketchbook are often blank,
My albums are full of torn images,
Melody? often silence turns out to be so freakingly loud,
and most of all,
I MISS HAVING YOU AROUND.

p/s: baby it's fact -hello goodbye-